Reconciling Cultural Differences with Immigrant Parents

PUBLISHED ON: May 20, 2024

WRITTEN BY: Heidi Kim, LCSW

If you identify as a child of immigrant parents, you can probably instantly recall a moment when you felt a clear difference between Western society’s culture and the culture you see inside your home. Intergenerational cultural dissonance, also known as acculturation gap, is a term that encompasses what most immigrant families experience - a conflict of cultural values between parents and children (Choi et al, 2008). This experience is so common it is assumed that most, if not all, immigrant families have felt at least a taste of this clash amongst one another - specifically, between parents and children.

We all go through our own personal identity formation when it comes to the culture(s) we identify with. This split in identity and culture undoubtedly plays a significant influence on our relationship with our parents. How has your relationship been with your parents throughout your life? To what degree have cultural differences played a role in the way you and your parents understand each other?

Children of immigrant parents have the tendency to lean towards one end of the spectrum or the other when viewing their parents: either simmering in bitterness due to their parents’ failures or living in a perpetual state of guilt for feeling anything other than gratitude for all that they have sacrificed. Where do you tend to find yourself on this spectrum? Is this feeling meant to be mutually exclusive, or can we hold space for both?

A split identity

Intergenerational cultural dissonance is a loaded term in itself. Where do we even begin with the vast range of cultural differences from a first-generation immigrant to a second-generation child?

Many second-generation children within immigrant families grew up watching classic sitcoms on American television. There were common dynamics witnessed between the parents and child that often felt foreign in multicultural households: talkative parents, vulnerable conversations, and expressive body language are just a few that stood out. Some of you may have had both parents working long hours around the clock. Others may have rarely, if ever, received a comforting hug from a parent or heard the words, “I love you.” Instead, it was culturally expected that actions speak louder than words. Working long hours meant less face time between parents and their children. However, it was also a sign of love through the sacrifice parents made to provide financially for the family. Deep, vulnerable talks were unimaginable between parents and children; instead, feelings or difficult circumstances were seen as moments to endure and move on from without speaking about them. American society says it is healthy to sit with and process your emotions; many other cultures define strength as silent perseverance through suffering. Can you imagine the internal confusion a child goes through in trying to reconcile two opposing definitions of strength?

The reality is that children of immigrant parents grew up in an active state of dissonance: learning to understand their parents’ expression of love while surrounded by the vastly different expression of love from the typical American family.

Grieving what we did not receive

Regardless of how you may feel about your parents, the reality is that children of immigrant parents hold yearnings for what they did not receive. We can understand that our parents love us. We can acknowledge that they did their best to raise us in an incredibly challenging situation that we will never fully understand. Simultaneously, you are fully valid to grieve what you did not receive and what you yearned for from them. It is valid to acknowledge all that you desired from your parents as a child. This does not mean you are blaming them for being a terrible parent; we can still fully acknowledge and hold space for the grief of what we did not have while loving our parents. Both can exist.

Recognizing our parents’ limitations

Many of us have learned about safe family dynamics and healthy family systems thanks to our greater exposure to resources. This is also a reason why we are able to identify the cultural dissonance happening within us. We are far more exposed to resources and information than any previous generation in processing emotions. A common pattern that is seen across the experiences of immigrants is that their parents (your grandparents) were even less available emotionally than what we have experienced. If you had the privilege of having your grandparents around, it probably did not take long to see where your parents learned certain habits, perspectives, and behaviors. Children learn what they see from their parents, which means the opposite is true: children do not learn what they do not see. Our generation has had the privilege of being exposed to resources outside of our families – most of our parents did not.

Moving forward 

When we take a step back to look at the whole picture, understanding the context and where certain behaviors originate from, we are able to have greater compassion for others. In the context of first and second-generation immigrants, we can deeply appreciate and sympathize with what our parents’ generation endured. 

There are countless parents that have taught us through action what true resilience looks like in the face of hardship. On the other hand, many have experienced deep wounds from their parents. Perhaps you can relate to both. Wherever you may fall on the spectrum, no one’s parents have been fully perfect, but the other is also true: no one’s parents have been fully flawed. Once we are able to understand and label intergenerational cultural dissonance for what it is, the more we are able to hold a realistic view of the relationship between us and our parents.

We are capable of holding empathy for those who have hurt us without justifying their behavior. In a world that so easily labels all things as either black and white, it is easy to simplify our circumstances. But the reality is that the relationship between immigrant parents and their children is anything but simple. The emotions that surface when thinking about your parents are natural and valid. Your grief deserves space to be acknowledged and felt. You also have a choice in determining how you choose to live with those emotions and find reconciliation with them. Whether that’s seeking professional help through therapy or processing on your own, you are capable of holding space for both: the grief over what you never received but also gratitude for what you have.

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If you find yourself navigating the complexities of cultural differences with your immigrant parents and seeking support to bridge these gaps, know that you don't have to navigate this journey alone. Our team of therapists specializes in providing culturally sensitive therapy tailored to your unique needs and experiences. Whether you're looking for individual sessions or seeking support as a family, we're here to help you navigate these challenges and foster deeper understanding and connection.

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Works Cited

Choi, Y., He, M., & Harachi, T. W. (2008). Intergenerational Cultural Dissonance, Parent-Child Conflict and Bonding, and Youth Problem Behaviors among Vietnamese and Cambodian Immigrant Families. Journal of youth and adolescence, 37(1), 85–96. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10964-007-9217-z

Please note: The views expressed in this article are those of the author and may or may not necessarily represent the perspectives of our group practice.