Gaslighting, toxic relationships, red flags. These are a few hot terms that are often used to describe unhealthy relationship dynamics. The discourse about healthy behavior in relationships has been at an all time high with our current generation labeling what are considered to be “red flags” (i.e., dealbreakers) or toxic behavior. It’s so common that you can do a quick Google search to pull up lists of “red flags to look out for” in relationships.
But what about “yellow” flags? What about the behaviors that are not considered a dealbreaker, but are still a concern enough to be mindful of?
A yellow flag is a behavior to keep a cautious eye on – something worth continuing to evaluate but might not be an outright unhealthy behavior. Red flags are easier to spot, as they are often displayed as clear, unhealthy patterns (i.e., violence, refusal to apologize, substance abuse). Yellow flags are more subtle concerns that may not be a sole reason for someone to end a relationship. But they deserve just as much weight in determining whether someone may be a healthy partner, and they often become an important topic of discussion of defining what is important to you in a relationship.
The following yellow flags are just a couple that personally come to mind. It is also worth noting that each individual has a different standard for what may be considered a concern, so it will be interesting to observe for yourself where you stand on each point.
They prioritize your logic over your feelings
The primary indicator that would help me identify this yellow flag is if I felt unheard. How do we differentiate this yellow flag from gaslighting?
Gaslighting can be defined as a means of manipulating the other person that causes them to question their reality. Some common thoughts that can occur when being gaslit include: “Maybe they’re right, I am the one making a big deal out of this” or, “I’m the one who’s the problem by being too sensitive.” It is a pattern of being invalidated for how one feels until the other party believes it themself.
Gaslighting often occurs when the other person places priority on their own understanding of the situation over how you feel. It is an underlying, subtle statement of, “I don’t understand why you would feel that way, so therefore your feelings aren’t as valid.” A milder version of this often shows up in many relationships, because it’s true – it’s difficult to empathize with someone if we can’t understand their thought process. So the intentions are there; one tries to understand the situation to better resolve the issue, but it comes at the cost of providing space for their partner to feel seen and heard.
So when does it fall into the yellow zone? There’s nothing wrong with trying to gain a better understanding of the situation (if anything, I would hope that’s the case). But it can become an issue if that holds priority over what the partner is feeling. The reality is, whether or not one understands the circumstances, a partner’s feelings were wounded. Creating emotional safety often involves humbly placing your partner’s needs above your own in these moments when feelings are hurt.
A sign of emotional unsafety and/or immaturity may include an immediate defensiveness when you approach them about how something made you feel. These confrontations can either turn into arguments or an opportunity to better understand the other’s needs. Does the person see these moments as an attack on their pride or an opportunity to foster better communication?
They don’t handle personal stressors well (if at all)
“How do you cope with stress?”
There can be a wide range of answers to this question. What type of response would you want from a potential partner? It can look vastly different for someone who has identified healthy outlets that are good for their mind and body versus someone who turns to anything and everything for a distraction. I would consider a yellow flag based on how much an individual is able to process on their own what is happening inside of them and respond in a way that is proactive in taking care of themselves.
It’s also important to keep in mind to not be deceived by those who seem to be riding smooth waves all the time. We all know that life is not always peaceful and harmonious. Whereas one may be consumed by stress, another can be so avoidant or dismissive of their stressors that they are living in a constant state of avoidance. This is different from dealing with stressors unhealthily – in fact, they’re just not dealing with it at all. They may be (intentionally or unintentionally) running away from their problems by doing other things to fill their time and headspace. But in one way or another, those stressors will eventually come out leaking in other parts of their life.
Both examples of responding unhealthily to stress and not responding at all are revealing of a person’s emotional health. Not knowing how to deal with stress well may not necessarily be a ‘flag’ because none of us are perfect at it; however, it is indicative of a person’s level of self-awareness and initiative in caring for themselves. Is your potential partner proactive in self-care and overall health? How can someone know how to take care of others, especially their partner, if they don’t know how to care for themselves?
They don’t really know themselves
This leads us into the last yellow flag – they don’t really know themselves. It takes a lot of work to become self-aware and know your own tendencies, both good and bad. One encouragement I give to my clients is that by coming to therapy, they have put in their time, initiative, and effort to invest in themselves. Deciding to face your inner demons and difficulties, both past and present, requires courage and grit. That is why when I meet someone who has a good understanding of their tendencies, unhealthy patterns, strengths, values – it shows me that they have put in the work to grow as an individual.
If someone is still in the thick of their personal journey in discovering their core selves, they may not be fully ready for a relationship. It is true that you learn so much about yourself when you are dating. But if someone is jumping in without having put in the same amount of effort for themselves, there are many risks for collateral consequences. Again, there is nothing glaringly negative about this yellow flag. It is up to your discretion and personal decision whether you are willing to walk alongside someone who has not started this journey or are in the thick of it. If this seems too daunting and draining, it is important to acknowledge how you feel and decide what is best for you.
It’s okay to say no
Dating is a period of constant evaluation and self-assessment. What are my expectations? What are my values, and do they align with this person I’m dating? What am I okay with and not okay with?
We may feel hesitant in moving on from someone if there is no clear red flag. It is easy to justify reasons to continue dating in the midst of uncertainty: “But he’s not a bad person.” “I know she’s doing her best.” “They have good intentions.” However, I want you to know this – it is okay to say no and walk away. It’s okay to decide to move on even if there hasn’t been a flagrant behavior committed against you. Yellow flags may not be deal breakers, but they are just as important in helping you assess what you want in a partner.
As I always tell my clients, listen to your gut. The more we are in tune with what our mind and body are saying, the more we can be true to ourselves in identifying and advocating for what we need.
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Please note: The views expressed in this article are those of the author and may or may not necessarily represent the perspectives of our group practice.